roguedreams: (Delena)
[personal profile] roguedreams
Just watched the season 2 finale of Vampire Diaries and so many tears were shed. I really do love this show. So much teenage angst. ^-^ Augh just... Augh. So many heart wrenching moments. I'm such a sucker for this kind of trashy supernatural teen romance.

In other news... Today stressful job was more stressful than usual. I really wish certain engineers wouldn't be such douchebags sometimes. -_-' There are one or two of them that are a regular pain in my arse. Most of them are so lovely. So SO lovely. And then I have a run in with one of the rude/inconsiderate ones and it just makes me grouchy. Plus the office was mega busy today and I could scarcely hear myself think. Gayle, my colleague, and I just shared those looks over the tops of our monitors that was full of the desire to set the rest of the people in the room on fire. Also one of my engineers is going into hospital next week to have a possibly cancerous lump removed from the back of his neck and this is after they took a scraping from a sudden mole that sprung up. He must be terrified and it's really really hard to think that he's possibly beginning on what could be the most hideous journey. The sickening knots in the stomach are familiar even if they're vicarious for John. Cancer is just a horrid horrid thing and so many people I know are suffering right now because of cancer that it's actually really hard to talk about. Even for me who frequently makes casual jokes about my dad who is slowly getting ever weaker from cancer in the MOST infuriating way.

For any of you who don't know, although I think most do my dad was told he had prostate cancer in 2005 or early 2006... to be honest that whole period of my life is a bit blurry. I spent a lot of time in my own head, trying to deal with that and growing up and the aftermath of a divorce eta and so on. Anyway he barely got a full diagnosis before he took to the internet and after reading lots and speaking with sufferers he decided that the treatment for prostate cancer was more painful and horrid than living with the cancer. In a lot of cases prostate cancer can be very slow to develop and to be honest this is proving to be true, now 5 years on. It's hard though, living with knowing that it's his body and his choice and he's not even trying to have it treated because he would rather live on painkillers and be depressed than go through the hope and the crushed hopes of cancer treatments. I'm still not sure how I feel about any of this. Him and my mum fight constantly. He's my step-dad really but he's the closest thing I ever had to the real thing so there we go. I've had to have this conversation with quite a few people over the past few years but generally I don't tell people because it's a bit uncessary. Unless you're close then you don't really need to carry my emtional baggage now, do you?

Anyway between my house mates and what they're going through and Heather and what she's been through lately with her best friend and now John, my engineer who is about to go through the rollercoaster that is waiting for those life changing results... It's brought it all very much to the fore of my mind and I don't know how I'm coping with watching him getting weaker and more depressed at all. Most of the time I just don't think about it. It's just Paul, you know? He's always been a grizzled, egotistical gigantic pain in the arse. Now he's just extra prickly because he is daily fighting with pain he can't numb and the emasculation of the fact of his once black belt in karate, cycle 50 miles and not feel it, rock climbing, landscape gardening body is giving up around him slowly and uncontrollably and he's only just turned 51. I guess that's the real kicker. In some respects I think we all sort of wish it had been a sudden thing. But instead there has been 5 years of dealing with it, and there may be 5 years more and I am so torn between being deeply grateful that he might be there to give me away and yet at the same time don't want to watch him fade away like this.

Wow... Now I'm crying. I skipped back up to this bit to vent that and now the rest of this post seems rather inconsequential but I'm going to leave it anyway.

I was supposed to be going to dinner with Annie but she's poorly so it's been postponed to Thursday. There is a possibility of Mother's meeting tomorrow but we'll see if that comes to fruition tomorrow. Then the weekend is at some of Waz's friends. I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to that to be honest. I don't know them at all really and I have a feeling there's going to be a serious case of The Good Old Days. As it happens Waz sat through a great long dose of that on Saturday night for me so I guess I owe him. Go in with an open mind and see how it is I suppose.

I may or may not have had a corset related shopping incident. (YAY) And I also may or may not be currently bidding on a gorgeous 1920s hat for Hornby Laithe. I hope I win it - it's actually from the 20s and it's beautifully quirky and I love it. I've snuck a sneaky bid in and am now trying not to watch it too closely. There are still 4 hours to go on the auction so I'll be in bed before it finishes.

Not much in the realms of news otherwise. I am still quietly plotting my NaNo. It's gaining speed and characters are developing and ideas are brewing so we'll see how it comes together plan wise. I've got a fair idea of what I want from it, so it's just a case of cementing it all a bit before Nov 1st rolls round.

Nov 1st also being our anniversary. 2 years this time and it feels like longer in many ways. Waz has mentioned possibly going away for the weekend. I don't know whether to push the idea and take charge of it or whether to leave it up to him. The subcontext there is running the risk that he does nothing and then we do nothing and I get grouchy. Why are some people just so hideously bad at making decisions when they involve someone else? Frequently I have to SHAKE an opinion out of him. Granted he's had some pretty shit girlfriends in the past but it can be really exhausting sometimes. Even over small things he tiptoes around it like he's barefoot on glass until I prompt him that I'd genuinely like to hear what he has to say on whether we do something or what we have for dinner or whatever. Not sure when this turned into a rant but there you go. It has been one of those days.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder how I wound up here... Not in a bad way as in OMG I'm deeply unhappy wtf am I doing with my life. So much as a kind of curious objective 'Well this is a bit strange' sort of way. Then I have moments like the wee hours of Saturday night after our boozy night at Hannah and Guy's engagement party. I'm still trying really hard not to be deeply jealous about the fact that everybody seems to be getting married before me.

I woke up in the wee hours with my face pressed between Waz's shoulderblades. His drunken snoring woke me up but I didn't care. Possibly I too was still drunk but upon waking up to his warm, naked back to snuggle into I felt the most raw contentment. A moment of simple happiness. I'm really lucky to have those moments and to have him. Even when he does my head in.

So yeah.
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January 2012

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